Blurg.

…. okay. 7/09/2012

I never really wished for it happen. And I guess all those made up scenerios in my head didn’t prepare me for it either. As angry as I’ve been I still didn’t wish for it. And because it has happpened I still won’t take back what has been said.

Yeah I’m kinda getting mixed emotions now, but still. I won’t say “FINALLY” nor that its about time. Just have to keep moving on like I haved for so many years. I shouldn’t let it effect me. I promised myself I wouldn’t let it, but why do I keep coming back to it?

The relationship we had was… no.

Hopefully its a one day thing. Where ever you are, I hope…. well it the least I can do, I hope you’re in the place you belong in.

My heart is filled with hate.

Its true. Everything I have never been able to have I have learned to hate.

I guess I really don’t have a story for this. The only good examples I can come up with is past relationships. I honestly hate them all. Not to the point to were I would go and talk shit about them tell their secrets, but to the point that I make myself feel foolish for being with such horrible people. My mind simply twist them into monsters and I end up believing my own lies.

Funny how my mind works.

Ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for Zavierr!!

I don’t know I got forgot this. This was a big part of my life. There was a time in my life when I wanted to become a stand up comedian. I actually had a notebook were I would write my stories/jokes. I also grew this mentallity that I didn’t have to graduate from highschool. I wasn’t going to need an education for comedy. I had told this to my math teacher and then he told me about Carlos Mencia. Of course I knew who he was but I never knew he was from East LA and graduated from Garfield HighSchool (which later I got kicked out to). Then I looked up to Carlos Mencia. Not comedy wise but because he got out of this hell hole and became something.

Now there’s this place which I cannot say because of reasons: where people share jokes and stuff. I post some of my stuff there and sometimes get real good feedback. Normally when I posted the jokes on that “place” I also tweeted them. Just as a way of calling first before they get stolen. All those dumb teenager tweets that get a million retweets, you swear they could come upwith such good stuff. Then again once you post jokes in that “place” you have to take into consideration that your shit will get stolen and there’s no way you can trademark a joke.

Now I don’t think I’m as funny as I use to be. Well I wouldn’t give stand up comedy a shot anymore. Maybe I could get a side job as a writer for comedians. But then again I think I’m funny. I don’t know if that’s just my ego.

I hate when people call me Javier. :( just ‘cause I look like a chico (its cool I can say that I’m mexican-american).

Yeah my name isn’t Zavier either… that’s Raquels only argument but its fine with me. I actually got like that from people saying my name to fast. No matter what, saying Xavier fast always comes out as Zavier, try it. I’m naming my first boy Zavier. x]

Anyways, I’m only ok with Javier only when my mom calls me that. Only she’s allowed to call me that. Other then her my nephews and my sister are the only ones that can call me Javis. For my mom and sister its my baby name I’ve always had. As for my nephews, my mom is always calling me Javis infront of them so they learn to call me uncle javis. Though my mom spells it Xavis. Also Chavis. Lol I know she’s in a happy mood when she calls me Chavis.

My youngest brother calls me Jay, or Jay-vier as a way of teasing me for Javier. My other brother called me that too but now that puberty hit him he calls me Xavier. Which feels creepy. O_o

Now raquel asked if she can call me Javis.. hmm we’ll see. x] I always get mad at her when she calls me Javier. Grrr. As well as for everyone.

Mr. and Mrs. Aguilar, I’m sorry to inform you that your newborn has a birthdefect. He’s gay.

So a while ago I went on a jog with my girlfriend and we were talking about random stuff and I asked her “what would you do if we had a boy and he was gay?” Her, trying to out stage me by talking in a certain tone implying that I’m homophobic she gave me this long speech about how she would not treat our boy differently because in her eyes he would be normal. Its not like he will go to hell or is retarded or anything was wrong with him. So predictable for that to come out of any girl you ask me. So I had an idea she would say that.

when she was done she thought she was all high and mighty because she had “kicked my ass”. But you know what I would do?…

Maybe this is wrong of me to try to do but honestly I would be so flipppin protective of him. I don’t know what gays go through but it sounds pretty bad since there’s always stories about how they commit suicide or get beat up because of their sexual orientation. I would never let anyone lay a finger on my boy. Yeah I guess this sound bias towards any possible straight children that I might have but I will love all my children the same. Except I’ll be overly protective of my girls and any gay boy or girl I have. Some prick tries calling my kids a faggot or a dike and I’ll make sure their ass meets my foot. I really wouldn’t mind doing jail time for beating up a minor. Then people will know not to mess with ANY of my kids.

I’ve said this a few have times and I’ll say it again. I don’t support gay marriage but I’m not against it either. Yet if my son is gay it will remind slightly the same except instead not supporting gay marriage I’ll only be supporting my son. I could careless if any other gay couple gets married as long as my son is happy.

yep. You can bet I left my girlfriend speechless.

My gorgeous nightmare;

As you all know I’m in a relationship with this beautiful girl, but sometimes I’m scared she’s to much to handle. When it comes to relationships I’m the type of person that picks their poison carefully. I’m not just gonna go and ask out a girl that looks pretty or whatever. I want long term stuff. So obviously I haven’t been in many relationships. So when it comes down to my raquel I…. well when she gets jealous it’s really new to me. I’ve been with her for over 2 years and it still amazes me how bad her jealousy is. She has a really nice, sweet, kind, and caring side but when she gets jealous its ridiculous! I never really had anyone like her. Then again I never had that many. When we were barely together I just knew we wouldn’t last. She was just to abusive and agressive (for a girl). I mean yeah play fighting is cool and all but she would constanly be pinching and bitting me and TRYING to hit my “downstairs” it was just fucken irritating. There was days when I just wanted to dump her and thought that would be the end of that, no hard feeling, we hardly knew each other to be honest. But one day she just stopped. She just magicly turned into this angel that she is up to now. Due to that we got closer and she just turned out amazing. Most adorable thing I can remember from HighSchool was when we went on a fieldtrip to watch the play and she had made me my lunch for that day. Idk maybe it seems dumb but to me it was just… waoh. Though despite all this her jealousy… its scary. Everytime she gets like that I always say “man it must be fucken sad whatever her ex(s) did to fuck her over and leave her like this” but I mean its truly non of my business. I’ve asked her with really no intention of knowing ‘cause I mean I’m human too. I get jealous too and talking about her ex isn’t in my list of “current bf” to do, but I did to atleast know I tried. She said nothing but I highly doubt it. Seriously I can’t have ANY female friend without her implying that they want to fuck me. I still have woman friends but its hard to stay in touch with them due to my girlfriend. I just started college last year and became real good friends with this girl and having nothing to hide I told my gf about her and she quickly assumed she likes me. I even got them to meet and once my friend left the very first thing out of raquel’s mouth was “omg she fucken likes you. You can tell by how she looks at you.” After that day she keeps calling her a slut. Raquel… she’s not controling.. or maybe she is but I just don’t let myself be controled but yeah; there’s problems. I still go with my friends when I want. I still talk to “sluts”. But I just wished raquel wasn’t so… like that. My babe is the type of girl that if she only KNEW that a certain day was my ex’s birthday she would be pissed all day for no reason. (True. She has admitted to this) even if I didn’t mention it or even talked to the girl. I know she’s trying to change but sometimes it gets to her. Honestly I never get her mad purposely. And people may wonder why I’m still with her… well if they only knew her good side, they would fall in love with her as well.

Career wise; you’re crazy.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about everything I wanted to be when I grew up as far as I can remember. In second grade my teacher was so nice that I wanted to become a teacher myself. I don’t know how long that went for but I remember later wanting to be a scientist. I didn’t know the difference but now that I can tell, I wanted to be an inventor. I use to make “telescopes” from toilet paper rolls and sandwich wrapping plastic. around that age the incident with my dad happened and I live in Mexico for a while where I would sell flowers on the street from 5 in the morning to 6 in the afternoon. I missed 6th grade and I remember my grandma would send me every morning to sell flowers in front of a elementary school and my other grandma would be a few feet away from me with out even a glimpsing at me. Any ways during the night I would spend times with my “bad influence” cousins and we would shop lift from nearby stores. So stupid. We once got recognized but my cousins told them I had nothing to do with it. I remember my cousin robbing a pizza stand at gun point, and by then I was certain my life was gonna be spent on the streets as a thief. Things happened and long story short I returned to the U.S which by the way before I left to Mexico I watched WWE Smackdown a lot and in Mexico I would see Raw, which were one week behind. but anyways in 7th grade up to 9th grade, I swear to god I wanted to be a WWE wrestler. None of that queer olympic shit. I waned to F5 the Undertaker just like Brock Lesnar. I shit you not 9th grade, and I was determined to be a superstar. Keep in mind that wrestling was still “in” back then. In middle school I was already athletic; but I wasn’t really “build” up. I was just that skinny kid that fucken ran like the wind. so in 9th grade or so I joined football because I wanted to have muscle and be bigger. I remember my mom bought me a big bottle of that protein powder you see on tv and I would make my milkshake every morning before I went to school. haha I never really had any intention in becoming a football player the rest of my life but I was using it as an advantage to workout everyday and yeah. Now I’m nothing like what I use to be. Wanting to be a wrestler just became childish and I wanted something else. I love to argue so I said, why not? I wanted to be a lawyer. I was determined to be lawyer but looking into all the school I was like ehhh fuck that I just wanna be an attorney instead. And I had that in mind until the ending of 12th grade my senior year in high school. I then decided I want to help kids so I wanted to be a school/kids therapist. short after that I was debating whether I wanted to be a Substance Abuse Counselor or a Marriage Counselor. I wanted to help lives, SAVE them if I could so I went with substance abuse. And just about last year I learned about MFT. a Marriage and Family Therapist. which also covers drug abuse. So that’s what I want to be now. and I have a feeling that that’s my calling. I really feel strong about my current career path. Now I’m in college working to get my MFT degree. It’ll take me about 4-5 more years from now to achieve it but when you want something this bad it really doesn’t seem long.